the first moment

this is going to be more complicated than i thought. unfortunately ive forgotten the order of things so im just going to type what i remember and sort it out when possible.

the first moment in all of my 'relationships' has been defining. im not for sure if that's because i recreate it after some semblance of a relationship develops, i have a keen intuition, or im just desperately searching for my hillary duff movie aka disney romance. (you know, hot rich prince falls in love with the impossibly svelte beauty with great hair...oh wait...).

i remember when i first saw r. he was in my 10th grade bio class and had missed several days because he was on crutches post acl surgery. i was the nerdy overachiever who took fantastic notes during some bs movie, and the teacher asked me to pass them along to r. i had this early on grand vision of him becoming my high school romance. me meeting his family, going to homecoming, prom, getting married after dating through college and really being that all american couple. of course he was handsome, on the baseball team, and unbeknownst to me, really smart.

also at this time there was a funny outgoing kid named tom in my ap world geography class. he had a contagious personality and i thought he was the coolest. this is back when my best friend was missy. last day of school that sophomore year we went to eat at the local cool mexican eater and ran into tom and r! tom got my number! i was so giddy. you see, boys didnt really look at me 'like that'. i was the nerdy girl from and overprotective family in a town not quite large enough to escape the embarrassing elementary school stories. so i was ecstatic really.

missy and i spent hours getting ready at her house and drove by lori's house. she was the hot rich girl with the cool parents who let her throw really insane parties (beer, drugs, sex - but supervised!). all of the cars we expected were there but we never got a text invite...and were just outercircle enough to be too scared to go in without an explicit invitation from an insider.

i was also busy being pissed this other guy chase hadnt text invited me. he was the hot dumb soccer player. i had the 'privilege' of going to eat off campus lunch with him at the hip salad place, you know the type of place a gf could drag a bf in love with her. and had attended the so cool friday eve tailgate on campus per his invite. (i scared him off by being literally insane. texted him 'have a great day handsome' and 'thinking of you' and other crazy constant stalkerish reminders daily.)

cant really remember if this was before or after i got wasted after sneaking out of my house. i made out with this complete creep matt that night (and hilariously insisted on the spider man kiss, cant blame me he was only like my 2nd maybe 3rd kiss ever). chase's friend walked in on us and was pissed. matt was trying to bone me, he was the class horn dog. virginal me declined, and let chase's friend drive us home, all the while i sloppily made out with chase and sucked on his fingers. god. that's embarrassing just typing. anyhow, the point of this post is the desperation i (painfully obviously) felt in finding that boyfriend. i wanted the love at first sight movie relationship. and was willing to act like complete fool to have that story.

First Moment

The first moment
I saw you in the Post Office
You saw me
And I didn't know.

The first moment
I saw you
I knew I could love you
If you could love me

You had sort of a flavor
The way you looked
And you looked at me
And I didn't know if you saw me
And there wasn't any question to ask

I was standing with some papers
I started shuffling the papers
But I didn't know what order to put them in

But I figured I wanted to do it in such a way
That it looked like I had some purpose

But I really just wanted to look at your eyes all the time

And you said
Look at me with your eyes
Look at me with your eyes

In that first moment
Your face burned into my dream
And right away I had this feeling
Maybe you're lost
Until now

Maybe I'm lost
Until now

And I thought
Maybe I'm just making this up

But your eyes
Looked like they were saying
Look at me more

I would shuffle the papers
Look at you
My breathing changed

Then I felt something dissolve
I felt there might be a danger
That anything could happen in the next moment
Maybe you would turn away from me

Or you could say
Let's go together
Forever

savage/love - sam shepard

my ninth grade teacher gave us this play to read in class and discuss. i remember scanning over it and thinking it was too simplistic and mediocre for my well refined taste, ha. it's turned out to be one of the most defining works of literature i have ever read. mr r was a genius.

i was going through a rather difficult time with my high school love who sat behind me in class (and really, in life...but more on that later). i digress: but ill never forget talking through the different scenes in class and saying how we thought it should be enacted/its meaning. r and i were broken up at the time and dramatically used this class time to openly express our teenage angst with each other.

which leads me to --- the final assignment. to pick our favorite scenes in any order and film it portraying how we envisioned the play. the beautiful thing about sam shepard's work is the absence of screen directions, acts, plays, anything - minus the lights fading to black (um hello symbolism).

my boyfriend r (of course we got back together, this was high school) and i were in the same group and really put together a so-so produciton, but got an a. back then, i recall wishing i had the talent or vision or time or cajones to film this according to MY vision.

the point, and greatness, of this play is its relatability to any and everyone. funnily, when going through the inevitable heartbreak or troubles due to anyone willing to try a relationship, one feels all alone, that its only happening to you, that no one could possibly understand how you feel, that your world is ending, etc. when in reality, it happens to everyone. (despite the utter disbelief the broken hearted person reading this now feels -- really -- everyone.)

but part of being in a relationship is the emotion of feeling 'special'. someone, other than a blood relative, thinks highly enough of you to ask about your day. to send you flowers. to hold your hand. to think you're something else even when your nose tends to awkwardly run during make out sessions. so when that relationship hits a rocky point, or even ends, it's the end of feeling that new exciting kind of special. so, i think in order to cope with the loss of a person who has become a significant part of your life -- in addition to the loss of the aforementioned feeling -- we tend to process the breakup by acting like a complete diva.

i mentioned that i consider this play one of the greatest works i have read. it is definitely one i hold in the highest regard. ive included it in its entirety below, but plan to utilize this blog to write out my past or current readings of different scenes. i hope this play brings to you as much as this blog brings me sanity.

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First Moment The first moment I saw you in the Post Office You saw me And I didn't know. The first moment I saw you I knew I could love you If you could love me You had sort of a flavor The way you looked And you looked at me And I didn't know if you saw me And there wasn't any question to ask I was standing with some papers I started shuffling the papers But I didn't know what order to put them in But I figured I wanted to do it in such a way That it looked like I had some purpose But I really just wanted to look at your eyes all the time And you said Look at me with your eyes Look at me with your eyes In that first moment Your face burned into my dream And right away I had this feeling Maybe you're lost Until now Maybe I'm lost Until now And I thought Maybe I'm just making this up But your eyes Looked like they were saying Look at me more I would shuffle the papers Look at you My breathing changed Then I felt something dissolve I felt there might be a danger That anything could happen in the next moment Maybe you would turn away from me Or you could say Let's go together Forever Listening Faces When we sat across from each other In the place where we met You talked about your days by the water face listens You talked about yourself as a child face listens When we were lying next to each other You told me your fear of the night Of every night face listens You imagined moving to your ideal country face listens You told me secrets about people in your life Strangers face listens You showed me their pictures face You played me your favorite music I couldn't hear the music in it Tangled Up When we're tangled up in love Is it me you're whispering to Or some other When we're tangled up in sleep It is my leg you feel your legs against Or is it Paul Newman's leg When I move my eyes like this Is it causing you to think of Marlon Brando When we're tangled up in meeting other people Is it me you're introducing Or is it Warren Beatty When I stand with my body facing in one direction And my head in the other Do you think of Mick Jagger If you could only give me a few clues I could invent the one you'd have me be Babble (I) I Uh I wanna' show Um Some thing SSSomething That uh Some Something tender That Comes from you Uh I Can't My words Won't Find I wanna' Bring something out That Some But Uh It doesn't fit this time Terms of Endearment What can I call you Can I call you "Honey" Or "Sweetie Pie" Can I call you "My Treasure" Or "Precious One" Or can I call you "Babe" Or maybe I could call you "Darling" Can I call you "Darling" I heard someone else call someone "Angel" once Can I try "Angel" Can I call you "Sweetheart" Or "Sugar" Or maybe I could call you "Love" Just "Love" Killing It was in one moment When we looked When we saw each other That I killed you I saw you lying there Unmourned You didn't know I didn't say I saw you dead I saw you thinking of something else You couldn't see The thing I'd done to you How I Look to You When I sit like this Do you see me brave Do I make a mystery to you When I put on a gaze When I stretch my arms like this Do you see me sensual When I look releaxed Do you believe me When I'm acting interested in your words Do you believe I'm completely interested Which presentation of myself Would make you want to touch What would make you cross the border Beggar Could you give me a small part of yourself I'm only asking for the tiniest part Just enough to get me from here to there Could you give me something Anything at all I'll accept whatever it is Could you just put your hand on my head Could you brush against my arm Could you just come near enough So I could feel as though you might be able to hold me Could you touch me with your voice Blow your breath in my direction Is it all right if I look straight into your face Could I just walk behind you for a little while Would you let me follow you at a distance If I had anything of value I'd gladly give it to you If there's anything of me you want just take it But don't think I'm this way with everybody I almost never come to this In fact usually it's the other way around There's lots of people Who would love to even have a conversation with me Who even ask me if they can walk behind me So don't get any ideas that I'm completely alone Because I'm not In fact you're the one who looks like you could use a little company Where do you get off thinking you have anything to give me anyway I have everything I need And what I don't have I know where to get it Any time I want In the middle of the night In the middle of the afternoon Five o'clock in the morning In fact I'm wasting my time right now Just talking to you Hums A capella, melody line only no words "I'm in the mood for love" Haunted I'm haunted by your scent When I'm talking to someone else I'm haunted by your eyes In the middle of brushing my teeth I'm haunted by your hair By your skin When you're not around Are you visiting me Am I dreaming you up Savage YOU Who makes me believe that we're lovers YOU Who lets me pretent YOU Who reminds me of myself YOU Who controls me YOU My accomplice YOU Who tells me to lie YOU Who is acting as though we're still in the first moment YOU Who makes me believe that we're lovers Forever in love Acting Now we're acting the partners in love Now we're acting the estrangement Now we're acting the reconciliation Now we're acting that the reconciliation was a success Now we're acting that our love has been deepened by the crises Now we're acting that we're both in endless harmony Now we're acting that one of us has been injured But we're not saying which one Now one of us is acting the pain of premonition Now we are acting the leaving Now I see you in anguish Now I watch you leaving Now I feel nothing Sings: "The thrill is gone The thrill is gone I can see it in your eyes I can hear it in your sighs Feel your touch and realize The thrill is gone" Absence You who are not here You who are missing in my body Holes in my body Places like holes Like bullets made Patches of agony Swimming From my feet To my hands You who are gone Missing from the place you lived in me Instead of blood Hallow veins The groin is locked You The missing part of me You That disappeared The Hunt I've lost 15 pounds for you I've dyed my hair brown for you I've designed a special smile for you But I haven't met you yet I've bought a flashy shirt for you I've plucked my eyebrows out for you I've covered myself in Musk Oil for you I'm still hunting around for you I've changed my walk for you I've even changed my talk for you I've changed my entire point of view for you I hope we'll find each other soon Killing It was in a moment we were together The murder took place Without any weapon It took place Between two moments In no time It was in a moment Between two thoughts When the murder took place Without any weapons I wasn't sure which one of us was killed Watching the Sleeping Lover I wake up Only a little ways Out of sleep You look like my child Breathe Helpless sleeper Frightened of your dreams Separation of sleep I breathe with you Breathe the same way See how it is to be you Sleeping I feel like a detective Spying Your sleeping body I'm not very far from sleep Your dream changes Your lips move Talking to it In words I've never heard Then comes a longing That I don't understand Because it feels like it's towards you But here you are So I don't understand What this longing's for I embrace you in sleep My arm moves with your breathing Your breath makes my arm rise and fall For one moment I think of the killing Still Frozen I'm confused by the yearning I want to have your dreams inside me I want to strangle your dreams Inside me As the light comes through And the night is turning into day I want to know I'll die before you I want to know I'll die before We aren't lovers anymore Salvation Now that I'm with you I'm saved From all grief Now that I'm with you I'm saved From being in parts Now that I'm with you I'm saved From hoping for anything else Now that I'm with you I'm saved From all other wanting Babble (2) I Can't Uh What I want What The The thing of it is I Some Kind Some kind of Something Won't Come Out The Way I Uh Nothing Seems To Uh Fit The Expression That I Uh Um Want Won't Uh Come Hoax Even though you see it's a hoax We continue as though it isn't Even though we're duped We agree to continue Opening Sometimes I would want to reach My arm would start Something in my arm would start Sometimes I would almost reach Something near my neck would move And then come back I wanted something on my face to show Some sign Unlock my face Instead I lock my arms The head would nod While you spoke I wasn't sure about the head Wasn't sure what it was saying While I listened Wasn't sure what you saw it saying Agreeing or denying I wanted my mouth to move To carry something across Some sign One eye was going with it Is this the face that shows me It was a moment I wanted to be strong Through the chest It fell You saw it falling I went on as though you didn't I brought it back I was wanting to be clear through the hands While the voice kept talking I held my face together My mouth on my hand Then it dropped My hands held each other All the time you saw me My whole body began to shudder Everything began to shudder Nothing would hold still You tried to show me you didn't see me shaking You took my hand away from me And everything stopped From my fingers I returned You You You You repeats (Light fades to black) -END-