the first moment

this is going to be more complicated than i thought. unfortunately ive forgotten the order of things so im just going to type what i remember and sort it out when possible.

the first moment in all of my 'relationships' has been defining. im not for sure if that's because i recreate it after some semblance of a relationship develops, i have a keen intuition, or im just desperately searching for my hillary duff movie aka disney romance. (you know, hot rich prince falls in love with the impossibly svelte beauty with great hair...oh wait...).

i remember when i first saw r. he was in my 10th grade bio class and had missed several days because he was on crutches post acl surgery. i was the nerdy overachiever who took fantastic notes during some bs movie, and the teacher asked me to pass them along to r. i had this early on grand vision of him becoming my high school romance. me meeting his family, going to homecoming, prom, getting married after dating through college and really being that all american couple. of course he was handsome, on the baseball team, and unbeknownst to me, really smart.

also at this time there was a funny outgoing kid named tom in my ap world geography class. he had a contagious personality and i thought he was the coolest. this is back when my best friend was missy. last day of school that sophomore year we went to eat at the local cool mexican eater and ran into tom and r! tom got my number! i was so giddy. you see, boys didnt really look at me 'like that'. i was the nerdy girl from and overprotective family in a town not quite large enough to escape the embarrassing elementary school stories. so i was ecstatic really.

missy and i spent hours getting ready at her house and drove by lori's house. she was the hot rich girl with the cool parents who let her throw really insane parties (beer, drugs, sex - but supervised!). all of the cars we expected were there but we never got a text invite...and were just outercircle enough to be too scared to go in without an explicit invitation from an insider.

i was also busy being pissed this other guy chase hadnt text invited me. he was the hot dumb soccer player. i had the 'privilege' of going to eat off campus lunch with him at the hip salad place, you know the type of place a gf could drag a bf in love with her. and had attended the so cool friday eve tailgate on campus per his invite. (i scared him off by being literally insane. texted him 'have a great day handsome' and 'thinking of you' and other crazy constant stalkerish reminders daily.)

cant really remember if this was before or after i got wasted after sneaking out of my house. i made out with this complete creep matt that night (and hilariously insisted on the spider man kiss, cant blame me he was only like my 2nd maybe 3rd kiss ever). chase's friend walked in on us and was pissed. matt was trying to bone me, he was the class horn dog. virginal me declined, and let chase's friend drive us home, all the while i sloppily made out with chase and sucked on his fingers. god. that's embarrassing just typing. anyhow, the point of this post is the desperation i (painfully obviously) felt in finding that boyfriend. i wanted the love at first sight movie relationship. and was willing to act like complete fool to have that story.

First Moment

The first moment
I saw you in the Post Office
You saw me
And I didn't know.

The first moment
I saw you
I knew I could love you
If you could love me

You had sort of a flavor
The way you looked
And you looked at me
And I didn't know if you saw me
And there wasn't any question to ask

I was standing with some papers
I started shuffling the papers
But I didn't know what order to put them in

But I figured I wanted to do it in such a way
That it looked like I had some purpose

But I really just wanted to look at your eyes all the time

And you said
Look at me with your eyes
Look at me with your eyes

In that first moment
Your face burned into my dream
And right away I had this feeling
Maybe you're lost
Until now

Maybe I'm lost
Until now

And I thought
Maybe I'm just making this up

But your eyes
Looked like they were saying
Look at me more

I would shuffle the papers
Look at you
My breathing changed

Then I felt something dissolve
I felt there might be a danger
That anything could happen in the next moment
Maybe you would turn away from me

Or you could say
Let's go together
Forever